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Ever notice how South American countries never have wars? Look at Europe and Great Britain: World War I, World War II, War of the Roses, all kinds of wars. Look at the U.S.: World War II, World War I, Civil War, Korean War, Vietnam “Conflict.” Ok, so we have a few cool named ones like “Desert Storm” or “Iraqi Freedom” that sound like movie titles or video games, but the point is they were wars. Even Asia and Africa have had their share over the years. But not South America.

South America doesn’t have wars, they have rebellions. Rebellions and wars both have death and destruction, but they don’t start the same way. I mean we hear about the American Revolution being started by “the shot heard round the world.” The key word there is shot, meaning singular. One measly little bullet nailed somebody and they keeled over. That’s how a war starts.

Rebellions on the other hand begin something more like this…Jaurez El Cabon, aristocrat and a leader who has fought his way to the top, or at least had lackeys fight in his name, steps outside of his forty room mansion on a cool, but humid Bolivian evening. He holds a martini glass in his hand and takes a sip as he gazes at the deep orange glow of the sunset streaming over the trees of the rainforest. He strokes his mustache then twirls the olive on a toothpick in his glass. He hears the call of a bird that is unfamiliar to his ears. Then his glass explodes in hand as his skull is literally smashed to pieces by 20 some bullets in just a few seconds. Blood splatters all over the wall and he crumples in a messy heap.

What could have caused this catastrophic death? None other than S.A.R.S. No, I’m not talking about the respiratory disease that’s killed hundreds before they can sneeze. I’m talking about the South American Rebellion Starter. If you're starting a rebellion, you don’t want to assassinate a leader, you want to obliterate the leader. And to do that, you need some high caliber bullets going at a very high velocity. When you destroy that communist pig, you don’t want to be able to recognize him when you’re finished shooting. Many guns can be qualified as S.A.R.S. such as the guns on the back of the soldiers’ trucks in the future in the movie Terminator 2. Also, chain guns or mini-guns which are capable of incredibly fast rates of fire. Basically, if you could stick the gun on a tank or helicopter and it would fit in well, it’s a good bet you could call it a S.A.R.S.

So the next time you think of starting a rebellion, remember to reflect on the South Americans. They know how it’s done; they’ve been doing it for years. And most of all the next time you see a big ass weapon totally obliterate something say: “Wow, that’s a South American Rebellion Starter if I ever saw one.”